hiker, hiking

This is not one of the hikes. We got this photo for free online.

Sweeping vistas, the solitude of nature, an escape from the daily grind; these are just a few of the benefits of getting outside that you won’t experience on these hikes near your city that might actually be nice if you didn’t have to fight an entire frat house for a spot at the lookout.

Instead,  you’ll feel like actual cattle as you bump elbows with every member of your gym while vying for that slightly more open space 6 people ahead.

Not everyone has hours to spend getting to a remote trailhead but everyone has a few minutes to search an Instagram hashtag, including us. Here are the top five hits that come up when we Google “hike + your city”.

1. The Trending One

We’ve included this trail for SEO purposes and because if we didn’t, someone would bring it up in the comments. The view looks great on Instagram, especially if you can find a woman to do a yoga post in front of it.

Distance: Long enough for you to feel adequate, short enough for some people to lap in 45 minutes.

2. The Hard One

This isn’t some marketing puff piece pandering to the wannabe hiking masses – it’s legit. That’s why we’ve included this extremely long and technical hike, because we know you’re hardcore enough to handle it. Despite the 5,000 metres of elevation gain, though, you will still bump into other people on the trail. Probably ultra runners going for a speed record.

Distance: 3,500 kms

3. The Secret One

Did you know about this trail that only locals know about? Because we do. Let’s keep it between us (and whoever buys the new guidebook coming out soon). Wouldn’t want it getting out there.

Distance: Too secret to say (we Googled it and came up dry)

4. The Family-Friendly One

We wouldn’t touch this one with a ten foot pole because it’s like being trapped at an 8 year old’s birthday party where all the children are given rocks to throw. But we want to attract the widest possible audience and this is the best we think people with kids can hope for.

Distance: Interminable. At least one child will cry before you reach the top. Someone will realize they need to pee 15 minutes past the outhouse.

5. The One To Save For When Grandma Visits

We’re going to go ahead and call this one a nature walk. There are probably interpretive signs, and we believe the entire length of the “trail” is paved. There is a slight elevation, but for $50 you can take a gondola to the top. Tourists love it. So will your grandma.

Distance: 8 metres